dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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