Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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