woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
