I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
