i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
