Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
