So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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