so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
