you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
