New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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