drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
