connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
