If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?