Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.