So drunk its hurt
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
