why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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