so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
