As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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