mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
