I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
