i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
