totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
True college students do jello shots in the library
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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