You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
