Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I could make wine with my vomit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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