Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
