I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize