There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
