If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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