is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
