My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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