u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
