she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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