Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
