I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize