No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
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He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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