So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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