I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
