i would punch a child for taco bell
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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