My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
