If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
