So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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