I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
