Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
