Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
