Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
