It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
