The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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