I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
