I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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