Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
