Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
