Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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