I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.