I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
