listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
