the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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