he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
