Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
