I'm so fucking centered right now
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
